Dogs Have Masters, Cats Have Slaves

A dog is man’s best friend. You say sit, he sits. You say stay, he stays. A dog waits by the door with bated breath for your return after a long workday. His tail wags the second he hears your key in the door. With your return home, his life begins again. His existence is almost completely tied to yours and this symbiosis makes for a beautifully co-dependent relationship between you and your pooch.

...but then there’s cats.

If you tell your cat sit, you’re lucky if they even acknowledge that you spoke to them. If you tell your cat to stay, you’ll likely be treated to a glare dripping with disdain and incredulity. A cat’s glare can convey such complete apathy and indifference, it fills you with a feeling of inferiority and you hang your head in shame as you bask in the brilliance of the majestic creature inhabiting your household – the cat – and what an incredible creature the cat is!

A dog and a cat couldn’t be more different. While a dog hangs off of every moment he spends with you, your cat has feelings and motivations that need to be tended to. In these glaring differences, it is never more apparent that dogs have masters and cats really do have slaves.

Becoming a Cat’s Slave, do You Have What it Takes?

Begging: Being a cat’s slave means you’re going to have to reach new heights of humility. As a slave to a feline, begging is definitely in the cards for you. Begging to pet them, begging them to spend time with you and begging to get them to look at you like you’re something more than a nuisance. Of course, your begging will eventually be rewarded with some cat love. The trick is, you’ve got to be ready for it. No matter how much begging you do, affection only happens when the cat comes to you, not the other way around. You will find your kitty will be very loving at 5:00 AM when it’s food time. ...By loving, of course I mean your cat is going to scratch you on the nose at 5:00AM if you don’t get up immediately and fill her food bowl.

Impeccable balance: You probably think that you own the furnishings in your home just because you purchased them. When you have a cat, this assumption couldn’t be more incorrect. The cat owns the furnishings in your home. This is not to say that you aren’t allowed to use your sofa or super-comfortable easy chair. You’re more than welcome to sit on your furnishings, however, only the portions that the cat is not currently using. Of course, your cat is an expert relaxer and somehow manageds to spread her 5 kilogram body across your entire couch while you perch, precariously on the edge. Only the most practiced cat slaves will be able to balance for long periods of time on the edge of the couch. Don’t worry, sometimes your cat won’t be lounging on your furniture. Sometimes she’ll be perched in a windowsill, unrolling the toilet roll or getting up to some other form of mischief. While kitty is busy, you can sprawl out on your sofa and enjoy a movie. Be warned, however, watching a movie is an open invitation to your cat to walk back in front of the television screen for no apparent reason. Rules: To be a successful cat slave, you must have a clear understanding of the rules. That is to say that you must understand you do not make the rules, your cat does. If you think your decree of “the cat’s not allowed on the furniture” means anything to your kitty, you are mistaking. This is more of a challenge to your cat to test your boundaries and see how hard she can push you before you break and are completely nonplused when she jumps up onto the counter while you undergo dinner preparations. Privacy: As a cat’s slave, you have no privacy. Your bedroom door will not be closed at night as it is kitty’s right to take up her portion of the bed (that is: no less than 75% of your bed’s available surface space). Additionally, under no circumstances will you lock your cat out of the bathroom while you are using it whether you are going to the toilet or taking a shower. Kitty is a curious creature and needs to kept abreast of what you are doing at all times. Reading: Now that you’ve become a cat’s slave, reading is no longer in the cards for you. No-one is sure if this is a cat’s attempt to keep us ignorant and without the necessary information to overthrow our tyrannical feline over-lords, but an open book is an invitation for your kitty to strategically places herself between you and that book. To cats, an open book makes a perfect bed. You have been warned. You are now a slave: With these rules and regulations mastered, you are now ready to bring your beloved feline home. While you’re now prepared for the ins and outs of “catittude”, what you might not be prepared for is the immensity of the love and affection that abound between a kitty and their care taker. Cats are extremely loving and affectionate creatures. Their expressions of love for us, their purrs, their head rubbing fondly against our shins, all of it is so divine it is almost medicinal for the soul. They are beautifully complex animals with motivations and desires all their own and it is a privilege to be included in their lives. The unique relationship that forms between and cat and its human is a beautiful relationship that only a lucky few will be fortunate enough to experience.